I’m combining weeks 7, 8, and 9 – partly to catch up to today, and partly because there’s really not much to write about. I rested and hardly ran, trying to let my body heal. I ran once week 7, twice week 8, and three times week 9. Nothing long, and definitely nothing strenuous. Weeks 7 and 8, I felt like a slug and I definitely feel like I’m out of shape and getting fat (I’ve put those 6 lbs that I lost this summer right back on). But I am starting to regain some momentum. I’ve joined boot camp with my friend Sarah – so I’m doing that like once or twice a week. And my goal is to build my mileage up – not entirely sure to what mileage, maybe 35-40 mpw – all generally base pace running.
Mentally I have felt a bit lost. Partly because of this, partly because the separation from Derek has been really hard – and the uncertainty of my situation (not knowing when the house will sell and when I can finally move out to Albuquerque to join Derek). After a week of high stress in our relationship, we made the decision that I would move out by the end of the year, regardless of whether the house was sold. And I think that has made a huge difference – I do feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders.
I am still a little worried about my right calf. My left leg feels great. My right one isn’t painful per se – but I still feel what I think is the tendon of my peroneal muscle (near my ankle). The whole time it’s been my peroneals – and I am worried that something is still not quite right in my right leg. I will go and see my ART doc one more time to see if he can unbind something.
I want to finish this quest – or I guess at least continue it since I can’t be sure I will ever finish it. I find myself a lot more realistic about things now – probably some would say pessimistic, but I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s harder for me now to commit as much as I did, knowing that the capriciousness of fate could take it all away. Yes – what happened to me may be a 1% thing, but I guess since it actually happened to me – it feels bigger, more likely, more prominent.
And in the end – I need to do this at least as much for the journey as the end goal – because the journey is all I really can guarantee. They say that life keeps presenting you with the same lesson until you learn it. Maybe this was life literally smacking me in the face with a lesson about appreciating and valuing the journey and caring less about the end goal.
Besides finishing a marathon, besides qualifying for Boston – this fall really took away my sense of being strong and athletic. I can hear all my friends now – but you are an athlete, and of course you’ll get it back. Because of this nagging calf thing – I’m a lot less certain than they are. And I think it was just so new and special to me the way that I felt in August. I had always been just the smart, geeky kid in high school – never really did much in the way of sports, never thought of myself as athletic, or particularly coordinated (and perhaps my fall continues to prove that).
But in August, I felt truly athletic – strong and fit. I loved the way my body looked. I loved the way I felt. And I have learned that running makes me feel strong – when I am not running, I feel less confident and competent in everything else too. Because I remember how strong those 12 mile and 15 mile runs felt, even after the fall.
I want to find that person again. I want to be that person again. I hope my body feels the same way.